How to Spot a Zombie

Zombie spotting is becoming an essential activity here in the United States of America, and the Zombie Crisis is gaining momentum, and we're rocketing towards the foretold Zombie Apocalypse. It's my hopes here today, fellow Americans, to help you to spot the Zombies that Walk Amongst Us, so as to help you to better be able to protect yourself from the Undead Flesh Eaters.

The eyes have always been known to be the windows to the soul, and Zombies famously have no souls, and thus, they have a thousand yard stare. You can spot that quite easily, as the drones drive, walk, or bus to work; and they often work in hives, where assimilation by the Zombie Borg is more easily established. The Zombie virus, you know, doesn't always hit it's tertiary stage so quickly. Often daily reinforcement by Zombie assimilation drones is the only thing that can coax those of us most adapted to be resistant to the virus into tertiary Zombie assimilation.

Though there are as many variety of Zombie as there are of, say, cats, or dogs; Zombies can be classified by the type of Zombie jargon that they consistently spew. It's my wish and intent here to help you to not only identify, but to classify the Zombies that you encounter, so as to better avoid them, and remain human.

!. Christian Zombie : The Christian Zombie is very common, they go to church every Sunday, but have never read the text of their holy book, and don't know what any of that stuff means at all. Christian Zombies are unfamiliar, and incapable of understanding "complex" literary forms or ideas, such as the following: allegory, metaphor, simile; etc. Christian Zombies are easily identified in the larger world by the thousand yard stare, and the inability to read texts in context, or with any sort of philological perspective, they are often known to point into Bibles and say repeatedly,

"Look, it says it right here in the Bible!"

Though the Christian Zombie constantly claims to be concerned for our souls, it has none of it's own, and this can be proven by the fact that the creatures claim that if you are not also a Christian Zombie, that you will be going to hell when you die. These types of Zombies spend inordinate amounts of time on the world wide web, but they are easily spotted there. This dangerous type of un dead Zombie is mostly dangerous because it has the ability to vote, though doesn't have the ability to think.

2.The Atheist or Agnostic Zombie. Despite the obvious irony, ZNA testing has conclusively proven that the closest genetic cousin to the Christian Zombie is the Atheist and Agnostic Zombie. These Zombies are slightly more clever, but not always; they often merely substitute the Bible, for books by Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Sam Harris; their speech patterns are often recognizable by their endless chants, such as:

"There Is No God, There Is No God, There IS No God."

What is deceptive about this type of Zombie is that they well know the meanings of words like simile, metaphor, allegory, etc; but they often don't seem to know one while looking at a King James Bible. You could smack them over the head with those things, and it wouldn't help, they are Zombies, for crying out loud; but don't try the smack over the head and Bible thing, Zombies are dangerous, and the Zombie virus is contagious.

3. Media Zombies : Media Zombies are a wide ranging species of Zombie, they sometimes absorb newspapers to feed their illness, and sometimes they just watch television for inordinate lengths of time. Now, that might all sound harmless, but these Zombies promote the Zombie lifestyle, and effect us all. They are often either completely intoxicated with the newest flavour of the week boy bands, or lip synching female model pretending to be an artist. Others are obsessed with their chosen political party; never realizing that the game is all rigged, and that anything coming from a politician is intrinsically Zombie fodder from the start. These types of Zombies are forever drinking teas and cool aide; nobody really knows what for.

Media Zombies can sometimes be heard saying things like,

"Dude, Glenn Beck ROCKED tonight!"

or

"President Obama is the Greatest President EVER!"

4. Materialism Zombie: The Materialism Zombie is closely related to the media Zombie, it's really a sub species of the Media Zombie; but it's so common a type now that I've listed it as a species of it's own. Materialism Zombies are forever worried about the latest fashions, and forever trying to out do their neighbours, family, and friends in terms of largest house, fanciest vehicle, so forth, and so on. This Zombie might be the most deadly, or have the most corrosive effect on our human society, as that money could have been spent on something useful, or to even, heaven forbid, help out a human in need.

Materialism Zombies can be identified with some of the following phrases

"Dude, have you seen my new I____?" Referring to the latest Steve Jobs gadget,

and

"Dude, I traded in my H2 for a smaller H3; It's all about the environment, man!"

5. Patriot Zombies: The Patriot Zombie is a close relative of all the Zombie species and sub - species listed above. Patriot Zombies are exceedingly dangerous, as they foster the completely false notion that United States Foreign Policy, as seen by the assassinations and disposals of democratically elected leaders by Patriot Zombies trained at the School of the Americas. and in South America, and over seas is a good thing for American Humans, while in reality, it only helps ensure the profits of the American Corporate Zombie Hordes. Patriot Zombies allowed George W. Bush to criminally enact the criminal Patriot Act in America, to the detriment and subjugation of all American Humans. Patriot Zombies are universally illiterate, and have not a clue as to what the word "Patriot" actually means. They are often fans of Toby Keith, and universally hate the Dixie Chicks. They can often be identified by the following phrases

"Dude, Hugo Chavez Is Out To Get Us!"

and

"I'm So Much Safer Now That We Got Rid Of Saddam Hussein."

These types of Zombies typically work for the Central Intelligence Agency, F.E.M.A., and the Department of Homeland Zombie Security.

If your loved one has been hit by the Zombie virus, and is in tertiary viral stage, then your loved one, will always carry the Zombie virus, and should not reproduce. There is a way to bring your loved one back close to humankind, though, and this corresponds with the latent viral stage. Your loved one, the Zombie, can not exist in the presence of reality, reason, logic, spirituality, kindness, helpfulness, respect, Love, and some other things that I. . . .I. . . .I might be coming down with it too.

Somebody Help Me!